My agent used to say at times, ‘For such a smart girl (I was 16) you’re surprisingly stupid’. Not sure what he was talking about – I wasn’t listening. I didn’t listen to anybody at 16.
But I do know that you can be the most amazing person in the world and none of it matters if you haven’t got the internal grounding you need to deal with the other less amazing people you are going to meet.
The suicide of L’Wren Scott, has stayed with me. Previously I had read her as a talented glamourous socialite turned fashion designer. One of THOSE rich people living THAT life. A legendary billionaire boyfriend, fame and acclaim for her work. What could be better? I liked the fact that she was a diverse beauty, tall, dark haired, elegant and unusual. She was a genuine creative, hard working and not particularly fame hungry. Then she hung herself and I spent some time reflecting on it – firstly the details, she seemed to have it all – ok she was $6 million in debt but secondly what did any of it mean – nothing. A friend vehemently declared, women don’t kill themselves over money, they do it for love. Possibly – Mick Jagger’s track record with women is poor. With all his resources could he not have been more of a support to his ‘best friend’? But for her own part L’Wren’s reasons for suicide are tragic because most people find a way around suicide. They leave relationships, declare bankruptcy and start again. L’Wren obviously didn’t think she had anymore to give – ludicrous and what the world had given her (everything) was not enough. She should have come to Nigeria.
I’ve felt low in my life before – like people are better off without me and once took an overdose of pills in a vain cry for help. I’ve always had an irrational need for attention/external validation that I think has come from not getting it from my dad. He never harmed me in any way but wasn’t too bothered about me either. It hurt a lot and it didn’t seem to matter how hard I tried at school, out of school – he just didn’t seem to care enough to engage with me properly. It still hurts.
When I see someone like L’Wren commit suicide – it makes me recommit to shoring up my sons so that they can deal with what the world has to throw at them, so they don’t look to anyone else to fill their holes, just one of the reasons why I homeschool. It makes me recommit to my marriage so they can grow up with a mother and a father who love each other in the same house and it makes me recommit to myself so I am not making someone else responsible for my happiness, so my self esteem is always intact. Having academic success is great but it’s only part of the puzzle of life. No success is worth anything if the world is not enough.